TRUST

Trust is so primary in any type of BDSM play. Think carefully: If you can't trust your partner with the small matters, like driving your car or renting a video you would like, then you have no business allowing him or her to tie you down. If the relationship is not going well this is the wrong type of sex play to bring you close. Could you trust yourself or another to maintain control when you have a lot of unresolved issues while brandishing that whip? And no one should ever consider playing alone with a total stranger.

I think I need to elaborate upon this particular issue as it has been repeatedly pointed out to me that during my working days my clients were essentially strangers. The relationship between professional Dominitrix and client is totally different and less complicated than between lovers. Picking up warning signs, analyzing body language, voice cues and how he talks about friends, family and coworkers is easier when you are not hoping for an intimate personal relationship.

I also took practical precautions. When I went to a client's home a male escort would drive me and wait outside in the car; if the client came to me, someone would be discreetly stationed close by.

COMMUNICATION

While I was working professionally, the majority of my clients, while so exacting, down to the tiniest detail, in expressing their wants and needs to me, found great difficulty in sharing the simplest of requests. Again--talk, talk, and more talk. Never hesitate to express doubts, fears, concerns, expectations; some want the theater but not the pain, some want to experience it all. Shyness has no place in the dungeon. Discuss and respect limits and boundaries.

As the submissive, be truthful, underestimate rather than overestimate your emotional and pain threshold. It's easier to turn up the volume than down, especially on the first outing. Never attempt something you are not entirely comfortable with; and no one should coerce, cajole, or exert any pressure on an unwilling partner. Neither should the coy "let them talk me into it so I don't carry any responsibility," head game be employed. Yes should mean yes, no should mean NO, The Dominant may be able to read your body, but they cannot read you mind.

Being the Dominant requires a lot of responsibility. Remember, the submissive is going through a sometimes overwhelming storm of emotions and might not be able to adequately articulate when a line has been crossed. This is where familiarity comes into play. Know your partner well enough to sense when they are beyond their limit; it might be up to you to end the scene. The first time I was caned I passed out. Fortunately, my lover recognized that I was losing consciousness before it actually happened. He quickly released me and put me to bed with a cold compress. Nothing was attempted for over a week. I needed time for my system to recover; and even longer than that for a second caning. This experience is still one of my best; each successive caning could only become better, because of the love and patience of my Master.

REALITY CHECK

Sometimes what is exciting in fantasy does not translate well in reality. Know and understand your anatomy. Tie or buckle cuffs snug enough so the hands and/or feet can not easily slip through--you can always tighten later, if need be--but check periodically for signs of circulation problems. The body can not stay long in awkward, suspended, or contorted positions; blood flow can be seriously restricted and muscles cramped or strained. Do not lift or jerk by the neck or wrists, especially if the arms are secured behind the back; joints are fragile and can be easily dislocated. There are several areas that should NOT be whipped, spanked, or struck, due to the potential for physical damage: Back of the neck, throat, lower abdomen, lower back, knees.

Handcuffs: Shiny, severe, fetishistic; great for show when leading around a slave. But if used for more serious restraint such as securing to the headboard of a bed (as portrayed in several soft core sex thrillers), or suspension from a door frame they can cause mild to severe discomfort, no to mention bruising.

The most common reaction in the throes of passion is to pull against the restraint, even the fur-covered variety and that hard metal core can still bite through the padding. Caution is also necessary regarding the use of rope, scarves, or anything else that is knotted. The knots should be secure and not likely to tighten up into a tourniquet. In my opinion a well made pair of leather cuffs are still the best option. They come in a wide variety of styles, are versatile, adjustable, and have enough 'give' to prevent discomfort or bruising.

Or this great visual: Stuffing a pair of balled up panties or stockings into a slave's mouth. Intense imagery for the moment, but it should not be done in lieu of a traditional gag; or if the recipient is lying on his or her back for any extended period of time. During times of stress respiration accelerates, the nasal passages can no longer accommodate the increasing amount of air the body is demanding, anything loose in the mouth can get sucked into the trachea too easily. Many of us (myself included) just don't breathe well on our backs. I personally don't even own a ball or inflatable gag. I feel that not enough air is getting around it. It takes up too much room in the mouth. I prefer something that goes in the mouth without creating an actual obstruction--like a rubber covered horse's bit, or a stocking or scarf tied around the head.

Safety and common sense can not be emphasized enough. Consider this morbid scenario: You are tied spread-eagled on the bed, expertly trussed, gagged, ready, and your lover, stricken by a sudden coronary, drops dead on the spot! Now what? While this possibility is rather remote, the moral is to allow for all contingencies.
 

PRELIMINARIES

Shopping for equipment should be a mutual endeavor. Start simple, a lot can be accomplished with just a few good pieces, more can be added later as both partners get a better sense of what they want. Take time and care in selecting each piece; make it part of the ritual, part of foreplay. The selection of the perfect collar and costume might be equated with the buying of The Ring, or the fitting of the bridal gown.

Practicality: Examine the design, materials, test it on your hand, arm, leg; work with it, learn how to use it before bringing it into play. That sleek, sexy rubber cat might feel good in the hand and make the most delicious sound hissing through the air, but those thin tails can cut; literally. Every piece of equipment I possess--from whip to cuff to clamp--I have personally tested upon myself, I know what it does, I know how it feels. Nipple clamps should be adjustable and appropriately sized to the nipple. A large jawed clamp on a chunky chain might be impressive, but cumbersome and ultimately ineffective on a small nipple. I test the pressure and grip on the fleshy web between my thumb and forefinger. For those who are more sensitive, there are the suction cups, or "Sucker Fish." The difference between the two are like night and day. Clamps pinch and squeeze, restricting the blood flow, and can be adjusted to cause real pain; suction cups hold and gently suck with a slowly increasing pressure, drawing more blood into the flesh, much better suited for light play.
 

SENSUAL THEATER

This is a Theater of the Senses and it is through the senses you must communicate. This is accomplished by costume, setting, dialogue and attitude as well as equipment. Be realistic; sometimes bigger and more expensive is not better. While there is a lot to be said for "visuals", a rawhide bullwhip as thick as your wrist is definitely overkill.

Verbal humiliation is something to be approached carefully. Words can hurt; share with your partner words and phrases (if you have any) that are touch points, that can stir up bad memories or emotions. As an example: During play I can be called "bitch," "whore," "worthless scum," etc., but I immediately shut down when I hear, "You asked for it," or, ""You made me do this to you," so I make sure anyone I'm involved with knows and understands this. Also, a voice low, controlled and firm will convey much more than yelling or extraneous obscenity.

A safe word is mandatory and must be carefully chosen; something simple and familiar, not easily forgotten, yet different enough not to be accidentally used. "Mercy," "No," "Stop," and the like should not be considered, The word needs to stand out from common sex talk so there is no mistaking the urgency to stop. "Dog" is mine.

In the beginning keep it simple, light, playful; the less complicated the scene, the more to enjoy the experience. Do not be afraid to go through a "dry run," several times if need be. Choreograph the scene, map out the logistics, get the framework of what you hope to achieve, not a fixed script with no room for spontaneity. Leave as little room as possible for error; i.e.--accident. Leather goods, like cuffs, collars, restraints, and some types of whips need to be broken in; the leather should be gently stressed, then moisturized, then stressed again. This will soften new skin and prevent the possibility of chafing.

Needless to say, drugs and alcohol have no place in this type of play. I'm even strict enough to say that even a little drink to, "loosen up a bit," is probably not a good idea--especially in the beginning, when you are still learning to navigate the waters.

Have fun, nothing is so serious as to become a disaster, unless you allow it to. If something is not going well, don't force it, call it a night. Sometimes what sounds good in the planning stages doesn't quite happen in the physical and that's OK! Discuss what did and did not work, and, above all, do not take it personally! I try to find something humorous to recount; like when, during an intense moment, I fell flat on my ass. I was wearing a latex hobble skirt and platform shoes, lost my balance and ended up on the floor, an awkward situation for a Domina! I started laughing, which got my partner laughing, after which I salvaged the scene by having him bring me a different pair of shoes--on his knees, of course--and put then on for me. The we continued.

Be loving. The scene does not stop at orgasm; the afterplay is as important, or more so, than the scene itself. When I am the Dominant, I enjoy tending to my lover afterwards. It is done slowly, lovingly; he had served me well, so I now serve him. I gently rub and kiss wrists and ankles if they had been bound; bathe him, wash his hair, clean and dress any wounds if play had been severe; provide food, drink, massage, soothing words, whatever they want or need. Remember, good partners are hard to find. Cherish them.
 

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

Still a little unsure? There is a wealth of literature out there. Collect a wide variety of authors, both male and female, gay and straight. The basics essentially will be the same, but each will also be flavored with the individual writer's background, experiences, preferences, and perceptions. Just remember: fiction is primarily fantasy. Many of the scenes are more extreme and rarely have actually been attempted. Which is not to say fiction should be discounted. It is a good source for ideas, themes, and dialogue in addition to being good entertainment.

There is also the option of seminars and classes. I have been seeing more and more training being offered by organizations and at conventions and get-togethers. These are good for general guidance and give you a chance to become familiar and more confidant with the equipment in a relaxed atmosphere.

In conclusion: As many years as I have been romancing the Beast, I still don't, "Know It All"--and I never will. Nor should anyone suppose or claim that they, "Know It All," human drives and desires are too complex. For every answer resolved, I also found a new question to explore.